Archive for the 'Forensic Analysis' Category

Highlander 2

Monday, August 14th, 2006

State of body No, we’re not going to do the obvious joke, okay? It hasn’t had its head cut off. Just its brain.
Detail of inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator Jon
Comments There’s been serious reconstructive work to put its body parts back where they belong, but they still don’t quite fit.

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Hostel

Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
State of body Um, well. Where to begin? Elaborately tortured, of course, but oddly, cause of death was old age.
Detail of inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments People aren’t exactly looking for watertight plots in a horror film, but in this case, more attention to the scenario might have made a more interesting film.

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The Da Vinci Code

Monday, June 12th, 2006
State of Body Congealed sangreal.
Detail of Inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments A bloated corpse.

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Pride & Prejudice

Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
State of body Utterly pristine.
Detail of inspection Inspected six times.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments The body appears to have been desecrated by person or persons unknown. Well, OK, maybe not unknown. It was me. The autopsy was presumptuous & pointless. But fun.

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The Constant Gardener

Thursday, May 25th, 2006
State of Body Hauntingly perfect.
Detail of Inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments There is no corpse to speak of, for the subject is not dead in so much as it is alive and very healthy.

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You Only Live Twice

Sunday, April 30th, 2006
State of Body A secret agent who while not even close to death, or even a fatal wounding, does have a very slight tell-tale whiff of silliness to come.
Detail of Inspection Inspected many times.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments Subject, despite minor flaws, will remain a classic Bond corpse.

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Oyster Farmer

Friday, April 14th, 2006

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GoldenEye

Monday, March 13th, 2006
State of Body Looks a little more decrepit with each inspection.
Detail of Inspection Inspected numerous times.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments Bond was back! But not on screen long enough.

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Unleashed

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
State of body A little malnourished, occasionally beaten, but mostly healthy. Killed by a couple of ticks and an infestation of nits.
Detail of inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments Competently done, until the usual mess at the finale. Why do action movies so often fall apart at the end?

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The Terminal

Monday, February 6th, 2006
State of Body Just a few minor blemishes on an otherwise adequetely preserved corpse
Detail of Inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments In its current state this body, while not on the nose, isn’t going to be a subject that garners much excitement.

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Arc Of Infinity

Sunday, January 29th, 2006
State of body Frankensteinian.
Detail of inspection Inspected repeatedly at long intervals.
Forensic Investigator Keith Kelly
Comments It seems improbable that this creature could ever have lived, but strangely the main handicaps developed after initial conception.

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War of the Worlds

Monday, January 16th, 2006
State of body Simple, small, greyish, and conical.
Detail of inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments A small-scale slice-of-life family drama was an interesting and nicely daring choice for an alien invasion film, but it falls perilously close to being “a bunch of stuff that happened”.

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The Punisher

Sunday, January 15th, 2006
State of Body Punished (Sorry, I couldn’t resist)
Detail of Inspection Inspected 3 times.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments This body was unable to survive the multiple cuts of budget and length.

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Thunderbirds

Monday, January 2nd, 2006
State of Body Not as bad as you’d expect, not as good as could be expected.
Detail of Inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments Why, oh why, wasn’t Joss Whedon asked to do a script edit?

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Batman Begins

Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
State of body Exquisitely preserved, apart from the fact that all the water in it had been instantaneously turned into steam.
Detail of inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments A tragic pity that the body ended up on the slab. It nearly escaped injury altogether, except for one fatal miscalculation regarding a microwave steam gun.

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Paycheck

Monday, December 19th, 2005
State of Body Not so fresh, but not completely stale.
Detail of Inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator winstoninabox
Comments Could have had Hitchcock confusion, but instead ends up just a little Woozy.

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Miss Congeniality 2

Monday, December 12th, 2005
State of body Unseen.
Detail of inspection Never inspected.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments I didn’t dare to view the body. Instead, in a radical and unethical departure from the usual procedure, I have reconstructed it from my vague memories of the first film.

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The Island

Sunday, November 27th, 2005
State of body Multiple organ failure. Apparent efforts had been made to surgically replace organs, which were rejected by the host.
Detail of inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments A Hollywood film about cloning. The irony will only be exceeded when they do the remake.

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Mr and Mrs Smith

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
State of body Both bodies had multiple gunshot wounds – none to vital organs, but enough to have caused blood loss and death.
Detail of inspection Inspected twice.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments As with many of the subjects here, wounds appeared self-inflicted.

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Land of the Dead

Monday, August 8th, 2005
State of body Subject ripped to shreds by wild mob. Curiously, exhibited no signs of fear whatsoever.
Detail of inspection Inspected once.
Forensic Investigator shellshear
Comments Should have concentrated less on looking cool and more on building tension.

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